


i stand outside under broken leaves

by rainynickel (HippoCritical)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Coda, Episode: s09e06 Heaven Can't Wait, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, maybe douchebag dean because I'm still pissed at him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-16
Updated: 2013-11-16
Packaged: 2018-01-01 18:27:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1047146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HippoCritical/pseuds/rainynickel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Coda to 9.06.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i stand outside under broken leaves

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from 'Rome' by Phoenix because that was pretty much on repeat the whole time I wrote this.

Three days after he kicks you out, you try smoking for the first time. You have nothing but the clothes on your back, a wad of cash and a cheap cell phone that he has given you. So yeah, when the guy on the bus offers you a cigarette, it seems like a good idea to take it.

After you take one breath, and cough for five minutes straight, you realize it’s not.

You’d spend the previous night asleep on the bus stop bench waiting for the first bus that leaves in the morning. From there it has been a series of long and lonely bus rides from Lebanon to Colorado Springs to Wyoming to Rexford, all in an attempt to get as far away from him, from _them_ and all that they previously represented. as possible.

You only stop in Rexford because by then you don’t have enough money to pay for another bus ticket.

In Rexford, you walk the streets searching with an expert eye for a warm place to sleep and the best corner to grab some food from. There are no soup kitchens or nice church shelters here, so you make do with a quiet alleyway where no one will bother you much and a torn sleeping bag given to you by a young girl who looked as lost as you feel. The first night, you think you’re above dumpster diving but the mercilessly cold wings and the hunger pangs get to you eventually and by the next evening, you’re scouring for anything that isn’t past its expiration date, remembering all the things Jim had taught you. In your right jacket pocket, there is a purple toothbrush, an almost finished tube of toothpaste, a crumpled five dollar bill and the silver phone. Every time you look at it, you think how easy it would be to dial the pre-saved number and call him and say ‘please, please take me back. I can’t do this. I don’t know how to do this and I need your help.’ But you don’t.

If nothing else, you still have your pride.

On the fifth day, when you’re starting to stink a little and the reflection in the shop window shows that you're in desperate need of a shave, you spot a sign on the front door of the Gas-n-Sip that says ‘Help Wanted’. You splash water on your face from the nearest water fountain and are inside before the stupidity of the idea has even registered. Nora is sceptical. She doesn’t want to babysit a newbie, she says. You tell her you’re a quick learner and that you’ll try your very best but you think it’s the look of near desperation on your face that does her in. She asks you to write your name on the form, and you start writing a ‘C’, before quickly changing it to an ‘S’. It’d be stupid to have protection sigils tattooing your body and then to be caught because of curious workers.

Besides, it’s good in a way. Steve Miller is just an awkward, somewhat eager sales associate. He has no supernatural connections and does not in any way resemble Castiel, the fallen angel who destroyed Heaven and always ruins everything he touches. Even stupid, stubborn hunters who can fight against anything and everything only through sheer force of will.

To say the first two days are rough is an understatement. The coffee machine explodes milk everywhere, you end up jamming the cash machine and accidentally give out laxatives when the customer asked for cough medicine. On the second day, while scrubbing the toilet floors you think that maybe you’re not cut out for this after all. But then you realize that you’re only other option is to call him and you just plug your nose in and scrub harder. It gets better after that. You figure out a system, and the work is easy and fulfilling, if not mind-numbing. It only makes it worth it when Nora hands you money at the end of the first week, with a smile and a ‘Good job, Steve’. You make friends with Josh, the other sales associate who keeps drinking on the job, Mike the UPS guy starts calling you by name and you start thinking about putting money aside and looking for a place of your own.

You spend your days feeling sorry for yourself and trying to forget by focusing on your work, and your nights dreaming of green eyes and home, a strange clench to your heart.

There is a rational part of you that knows that this is not good, that the way you're living in denial isn't healthy. But you figure that you're entitled to ignore that reasonable part now that you're human. 

Its three weeks later, when you read about the murders. You debate whether you should call him or not. Part of you wants to cut off contact altogether, but then you think of the poor victims and your conscience finally wins. You carefully make sure not to tell him where you work, but he finds out anyways and when he comes in asking for a pack of menthol, all with easy smiles and jokes about hunting, you can feel your carefully structured walls breaking down.

You’re angry, you’re _so_ angry. It’s one human emotion, along with grief that you have come to know very well. When you look at him, all you can see is him telling you to leave. All you can see is the first guy who punched you for stealing food, those first days when the thought of Winchesters and their safe bunker was the only thing that kept you going, the cold nights when you felt so alone and were one stray thought away from suicide. He apologizes for kicking you out, and you can’t say its ok, because it’s not, so all you do is look away. You don’t say anything because there’s a small part of you that knows that he is a good man, a great man even, and if he did want you to leave then he must have had a damn good reason to do so.

He makes fun of your date, and you say she’s not a reaper and she’s not going to kill you but you also add mentally, that there’s no possibility of her breaking your heart because he already got there first.

You realize what true terror is when Ephraim is about to kill you and you can see his still body from the corner of your eye.

And even then, when you’re so angry at him, when you’ve spent all this time trying to hate him, when he asks to come back to his motel room you say ‘sure’. And when he kisses you without asking right up against the door, you let him. And when he unbuttons your shirt all the way this time, you don’t do anything but reciprocate because hey, you’re only human.


End file.
